Managing Scanxiety

October 18, 2017

Pre-scan anxiety—does it ever get better?

After fifteen years of watching and waiting while my husband undergoes the alphabet soup of diagnostic procedures—EKGs, CBCs, CATs, MRIs, PETs, with a few 'oscopies thrown in for good measure, my answer to that question is: not better but different.

It doesn't take long for scanxiety to develop, but it sure takes a long time to go away. The first scans leading to a cancer diagnosis cause so much trauma, that every scan afterward evokes the same emotional and often physical response. Even a few clear scans aren't enough to extinguish the associations of the first.

Prior to Jim's first recurrence (five years post diagnosis), my greatest fear was the cancer coming back, because I knew that a metastasis portended a less likely cure, and thought  that a metastasis heralded the beginning of the end. 

Seven recurrences and eight years later, Jim is living proof that there can be life after metastasis, so I no longer fear recurrence or spread quite as much as I did. But that knowledge didn't eliminate the fear and anxiety. Anyone who has survived cancer treatment knows what a return of the cancer means. Every scan determines what your life will be like in the succeeding months—whether you will be tethered to an IV pole or free to live your life as you did before cancer.  

After eight recurrences, my fears are different—not as intense, and manifested in a different way. In years past, while waiting to hear the scan results, I fortified myself with xanax, a practice I no longer find necessary, since I have acquired some tools and tactics to manage my anxiety. You might find some of these helpful:

1. Prayer.  I have memorized scripture that I repeat when I awaken in the night or when waiting in hospital or doctors offices. (Cancer Journey: pp. 125-128)

2. Yoga. (I plan to discuss the benefits of this practice in upcoming blogs.)

3. Meditation. 

4. Medication.

5. Reading at bedtime--though not on an e-reader or iPad 

6. Mindless games like Candy Crush. (The Candy Crush Theme is to me a lullaby more soothing than Brahms.)  

With this upcoming scan, my fear is that we might hear the dreaded words: out of options. Or that if an option is available, Jim won't have the strength to tolerate the drug. Although the techniques I've listed above are helpful in my waking hours, I am not able to eradicate the anxiety dreams that interfere with my REM sleep. In the past week, rather than sailing off like Wynken, Blinken, and Nod on a river of crystal light, I have tossed and turned in bed while my mind takes a trip to places filled with land mines, where every step is fraught with danger. 

I would love to hear from you if you have suggestions on managing "scanxiety".